# Post-Contact Hilarity **URL:** \ **Category:** General\ **Tags:** humans\ **Created:** [June 5, 2022, 6:21pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459 "2022-06-05T18:21:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 18
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2024, 5:08pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/341 "2024-09-14T17:08:56Z")
Actually, a useful note in general given population demographics, likely travel, etc., is that basically anyone from the Empire visiting the US is, within epsilon of certainty, _older than the country._ ---
**Author:** ![zakueins](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/zakueins/32/65_2.png) [@zakueins](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/zakueins)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2024, 5:37pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/342 "2024-09-14T17:37:03Z")
Having heard enough stories of Navy shore patrol, Marine MPs, Army MPs, and similar… …you would be shocked at how many nominally _smart_ people got in trouble during leave doing things that were only **slightly** worse. And only rarely under the influence of alcohol and/or narcotics (the usual reason was “in the Sandbox for six _consecutive_ months without relief, so long that the wank socks and the porn are solid enough to use as body armor”). ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2024, 5:53pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/343 "2024-09-14T17:53:55Z")
Since they’re presumably human… I really wouldn’t. The richardcognition is strong with these ones. (Lack of this may be a sign of an engineered species, on the grounds that scientists hate it when their experiment is derai- OOH BOOBIES ---
**Author:** ![zakueins](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/zakueins/32/65_2.png) [@zakueins](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/zakueins)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2024, 6:48pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/344 "2024-09-14T18:48:29Z")
…you know some Japanese H-studio is going to see this as a _challenge_, to create boobies that can sexually arouse **any** species and not use something like a basilisk hack or such… ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Kenny](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/scott_kenny/32/226_2.png) [@Scott\_Kenny](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/Scott_Kenny)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2024, 9:01pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/345 "2024-09-18T21:01:30Z")
I’m pretty sure most Japanese H-studios would take up that challenge, if only as a professional matter. “Yes, we can create things that inspire all forms of lust! It’s what we _ **do** _ here.” They’d definitely consider YGHM/basilisk hacks to be cheating. ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2024, 3:40pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/346 "2024-09-28T15:40:19Z")
So, I happen to have been reading a bunch of one-star recipe reviews recently, which are always interesting. “I didn’t want them to be too rich, or to send my child into a sugar comma (sic), so I substituted mashed banana for the egg, polystyrene for the milk, and my grandfather’s ashes for the sugar. My oven exploded and my child hated them. One star.” Basically, it’s a really large genre, is what I’m saying. Summed up by one metacommenter as “I love the concept of baking but hate butter, sugar, oil, flavor, and joy”. Well, Vermilion Harvest and their Delicious Delicacies subsidiary have no patience for this at all: > [imagine, at this point, the camera panning over acres of deliciousness while the richest, smoothest voice ever intones in the background.] > > Fat Bastard™’s Scrumptious Gourmand Cookies. Made with real butter. Real honey. Real cream. _And the real tears of people who hate food._ > > [a hand reaches into frame. a cookie is eaten.] > > Mmmm. > > Fat Bastard™. Eat what you want. Die like a man. ---
**Author:** ![zakueins](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/zakueins/32/65_2.png) [@zakueins](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/zakueins)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2024, 10:48pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/347 "2024-10-01T22:48:44Z")
"In all honestly, I should have been dead ten years ago. "…okay, maybe six. But pretty close to ten. "I had a half-dozen different genetic issues that insured that I was going to die in terrible pain prior to First Contact, and within a few days after the first Imperial medical companies showed up, they asked me if I wanted to volunteer for medical testing. _Lots_ of paperwork, lots of paperwork. "And I nearly died twice. The third time, it took. But they had finally figured out how to install a cortical stack(1) on me, so my death was only temporary. "I found a whole lot of employment when I was digital. Code editing, content moderation, wrote a book, wrote _several_ books, started this blog, eventually working with the Japanese government to develop a complete rent-a-thought package for tourists coming there. _That_ job migrated into working with the Takada Body Couture Firm, and it’s why I own one of the original, first-generation Motoko bioshells and I’m still wearing it today. Mostly on weekends, I admit, but still… "Am I grateful that we got found by the Empire? Absolutely. I’d be _dead_ if they hadn’t showed up, and being dead isn’t something that I wanted to be even before First Contact. "There are just times that I don’t think they understand that quite a few of us are trying to thread that four sided eye of a needle of _not committing suicide_, _not becoming space elves with rounded ears_, _not getting conquered or genocided by somebody ambitious with no morality at all_, and _not sticking our fingers in our ears and yelling **very** loudly_ “I can’t hear you!!!” “Some days, the eye of that needle seems so very, very small…” (1-Yes, I am _that_ annoying guy that would be yelling at kids to get off his lawn. Mostly because the kids think that there’s dinosaur bones under the turf. (I know it’s a _vector stack_, it’s a _shell_ not a _sleeve_, and other such things. But, against Fate and Cultural Memes even the Gods do not fight. (At least not without payment in full, in advance.) -_Things That I Really Should Have Known About_, PC+15 ---
**Author:** ![rhouben](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/rhouben/32/194_2.png) [@rhouben](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/rhouben)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2024, 12:25pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/348 "2024-10-03T12:25:27Z")
… Are we uncritically echoing racist memes that even the original poster retracted now? ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2024, 10:37pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/349 "2024-10-10T22:37:09Z")
> [@zakueins](#): > > _not becoming space elves with rounded ears_ “The magnificent irony is that, despite it being painfully obvious to the casual observer, the Terran Anti-Xeno League never _did_ figure out that on this point, they and the relevant Shadow Ministries were in full accord.” - Corala Morvaraquen, “Histories of the Transveil” (No-one wants a GFCF.) ---
**Author:** ![Maximilian\_Crichton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Maximilian\_Crichton](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/Maximilian_Crichton)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2024, 11:34pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/350 "2024-10-10T23:34:38Z")
Gluten-free, casein-free diet? ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2024, 12:05am UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/351 "2024-10-11T00:05:08Z")
Well, pretty sure no-one _wants_ one of those, either, but - [Geseptian-Fardesile Cultural Federacy](https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/Geseptian-Fardesile_Cultural_Federacy) Y’know, the Culture’s embarassing fanboys who _just don’t get it_. ---
**Author:** ![Maximilian\_Crichton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Maximilian\_Crichton](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/Maximilian_Crichton)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2024, 1:59am UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/352 "2024-10-11T01:59:52Z")
Ah. I seem to recall the Empire having its own analog ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2024, 10:02pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/353 "2024-10-11T22:02:36Z")
It occurs to me maybe I should also remind folks that the Empire has a long-standing policy on nation-building, which reads in its entirety as follows: > [Don’t](https://eldraeverse.com/2014/08/14/trope-a-day-hopeless-war/). (The standard-issue local prejudice is that if you could sit down and reason barbarians out of their barbarism over a nice cup of tea, they wouldn’t _be_ barbarians in the first place. They can, however, usually understand “punitive expedition”, on the grounds that “I don’t want everything to be on fire again” is a thought that fits inside even the smallest and least-exercised of brains.) * * * As a side note, your major concern about fatal self-defense incidents with visiting citizen-shareholders where randoms are concerned isn’t so much revenge (everyone involved is _dead_, after all) or lawsuits (filing lawsuits in _that_ court system?); it’s what diplomatic concessions you’re going to have to give the Ministry of State and Outlands to stop them from making an extraordinarily public point of your incompetence at keeping the peace across the whole darn extranet. I’m sure they have something in mind. * * * Now if anyone _survived_, on the other hand, then it gets messy… ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2024, 8:01pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/354 "2024-10-12T20:01:12Z")
> Weary sigh. > > “_Several._” - random State and Outlands staffer, Tuesday ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2024, 4:42pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/355 "2024-10-15T16:42:33Z")
So I was reading a random Tumblr repost about modern complaints that the Knights of the Round Table are depicted as being “too anime” in the sense of weird supernatural abilities and bizarre adventures, countered with examples from the original legends demonstrating that the Knights of the Round Table were, in fact, anime as fuck. This gets me thinking about the horrors about to be visited on historians and archaeologists on Earth given that thanks to great record-keeping and a terrible lack of burnt libraries and dark ages, they have all sorts of legendary foo that is not only well-documented in the historical records but remains _extant_. I mean, sure, the Sword That Cuts All Without Distinction is legendary if not mythic, but it’s also right there in the House Shótará family archives and you can go and look at it¹, or the House of Dodeciad Doors, or whatever other mystic widgetry based on Precursor litter you care to name. Can you say “arbitrary number of conspiracy theorists and dreamers becoming near-impossible to persuade that Earth’s legends aren’t also possibly true²?” You’ve got to feel a little bad for the archaeologist whose grant is awarded for searching the northeastern US for any remains of [an unusually large man and his unusually large ox](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Bunyan), right? * * * 1. But you can’t try it yourself, since after the rolkifier incident everyone’s deeply concerned that you might be able to cut _metaphors_. 2. Well, sort of³. 3. King Arthur is in cryostasis somewhere in the Kuiper Belt! Of course there’s no asteroid named Avalon! The lizard people⁴ are making the British government cover it all up… 4. No, not those lizard people. The _sneaky_⁵ lizard people. 5. If you’ve heard of them, they’re not sneaky enough. ---
**Author:** ![zakueins](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/zakueins/32/65_2.png) [@zakueins](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/zakueins)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2024, 4:51pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/356 "2024-10-15T16:51:10Z")
"One of the biggest things that I’ve tried to explain to my Eldrae friends is that I’m not _worried_ about the Empire just deciding to drop a couple of thousand _Flapjacks_ on Earth like an all-you-can-eat-special at IHOP. The Empire of the Star _doesn’t_ do that kind of imperialism, not anymore(1). Not cost-efficient for the most part, requires you to do nation building and have occupation forces for a long time, tends to get you talked about by the wrong sort of people, that kind of thing. "Instead, the Empire is like this five kiloparsec giant space amoeba that just sucks things in and makes it a part of it. _Shwoop_, there goes this uninhabited system and now it’s full of miners and service providers. _Shwoop_, there goes a part of the old Vonnie Republic that realize that if they want a proper utopia, they need to do things like be a part of a Society of Consent and have a lot of high-end and genuinely enthusiastic AI support. _Shwoop_, there goes a bunch of striving primates that are now the strange, sex-obessed cultural providers for the Empire. "I don’t want to be a part of a giant space amoeba. Or at least on _terms_ that I can live with, for the most part. "And then you get into the lovely baseline primate psychology issue of what happens when you encounter something that is completely unknown to you-attack it, try to eat it, try to fuck it, play dead, or supplicate to it. And the people trying _really really hard_ to be space elves with rounded ears are the ones that scare me the most. “No greater fanatic than a convert, after all…” -_Things That I Really Should Have Known About_, PC+17 (1-Yes, I know there have been major exceptions, even recently. But for the most part, if the Empire is invading you, you have just _earned_ their attention in all the wrong kind of ways.) > [@avatar](#): > > “The magnificent irony is that, despite it being painfully obvious to the casual observer, the Terran Anti-Xeno League never _did_ figure out that on this point, they and the relevant Shadow Ministries were in full accord.” > > - Corala Morvaraquen, “Histories of the Transveil” > > (No-one wants a GFCF.) ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2024, 4:54pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/357 "2024-10-15T16:54:18Z")
I should point out that it is my head-fanon that at least one of the several preexisting races of lizard people in the Worlds will take to posting conspiracy theories about the secret humans controlling everything on the grounds that what’s good for the _tzym_ is good for the _tzymti_ and they might as well have some fun with these whackos. ---
**Author:** ![zakueins](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/zakueins/32/65_2.png) [@zakueins](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/zakueins)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2024, 9:10pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/358 "2024-10-15T21:10:56Z")
And in his secret mountain lair, Kevin Bacon is just steeping his fingers going, “[_Keikaku Dohri_](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/just-as-planned)” at the confusion and chaos as he begins his thirty-billion step plan to take over Everything. (Speaking of that, what _is_ “just as planned” in Eldrae in this context?) > [@avatar](#): > > I should point out that it is my head-fanon that at least one of the several preexisting races of lizard people in the Worlds will take to posting conspiracy theories about the secret humans controlling everything on the grounds that what’s good for the _tzym_ is good for the _tzymti_ and they might as well have some fun with these whackos. ---
**Author:** ![avatar](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/avatar/32/2_2.png) [@avatar](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/avatar)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2024, 6:08pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/359 "2024-10-16T18:08:25Z")
I’ll do you one better: _el quor merlen idaharisár bar-el val anselath_ **ALL EVENTS ARE PROGRESSING IN ACCORDANCE WITH MY PLAN.** (muahaha not included) …I suppose you could leave off the subject and just say _idaharisár bar-el anselath_ and leave it to the listener to make assumptions about just what is progressing and whose plan it is, but really, why would you? Never gloat with a half-dozen syllables when you can gloat with two dozen. ---
**Author:** ![zakueins](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/free1/user_avatar/eldraeverse.discourse.group/zakueins/32/65_2.png) [@zakueins](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/u/zakueins)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2024, 6:22pm UTC](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459/360 "2024-10-16T18:22:45Z")
Maybe because you’re David Xanatos and you want your opponents to wonder _which_ plan is proceeding according to plan, because you have **so many** plans running at the same time, somehow ending with the Emperor of the Star taking a cream pie to the face. > [@avatar](#): > > and leave it to the listener to make assumptions about just what is progressing and whose plan it is, but really, why would you? Never gloat with a half-dozen syllables when you can gloat with two dozen. [Previous page](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459.md?page=17) [Next page](https://eldraeverse.discourse.group/t/post-contact-hilarity/459.md?page=19)