Earth Fanfic (Post-Contact Hilarity II)

General Fanfic
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(BizarroLand here:)

What if they buy Puerto Rico? Hold your horses, this isn’t a provincialist thing, I also live there. According to the Insular Cases though Puerto Ricans are all US Citizens, Puerto Rico belongs to but is not a part of the US. There’s a hell of a lot of Republicans who wouldn’t mind seeing us gone (for a short while) and 2 million-odd Puerto Ricans who would appreciate the benefits of Imperial society a lot better than the alternatives.

You’d have to be off with an awful lot of local heads for corruption, but at least I’d have an ADD+depression+OCD cure. And a bodily tune-up/gender-swap, too.

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…Yeah, I suppose a not-insignificant portion of my thought process for their response would be along the lines of “Don’t give a rabid dog a second chance at biting you,” insofar as while they cannot meaningfully harm the Empire, they still can (and realistically probably would) absolutely target (and potentially even threaten to (or actually) harm) their citizen-shareholders. Outcome: Unacceptable.

Also, given ICE’s previous track record with detainees, I don’t think that the Empire would be unjustified in acting under the assumption that they would attempt to do the same to their citizen-shareholders, should they manage to capture one alive. Given their attitudes towards attempted vis-a-vis successful crimes… well, I’m pretty sure that they would not be kindly disposed towards anyone even tangentially involved in abetting that sort of thing.

Admittedly, this is probably among the less charitable interpretations of the USA’s intentions, but they haven’t exactly done much to disprove them, and I think you have already mentioned their views on charity.

Edit: Another potential line of reasoning and/or public statement: “We have given them a chance to conduct themselves as civilized gentlesophs. They have not only failed utterly to do so, but have assaulted our citizen-shareholders, attempted harm to our appointed representatives, and attempted an invasion of our embassy. An embassy, mind, which is protected under both our august laws and their own. At no point have we been any less than crystal clear as to what the consequences of such transgressions are. Knowing that, they nevertheless undertook the aforementioned wrongdoings. Thus, the consequences shall be carried out, precisely as we have said that they shall be.”

Edit 2: I was also assuming that the aforementioned consequences would simply be carried out by whatever IN vessel might have been in orbit, or at least in-system, at the time.

Edit 3: Going back to the basilisk hack thing from… a while back, would they not be inclined moreso to go “This. Is why. You sanitize. Your. Fucking. Inputs!!!” In response? Primarily for the ease with which they could/ought to have protected themselves, at least unless the first contact team dropped the ball on informing them on what sorts of external threats they might encounter, and what sorts of external threats they would need to protect against. Then again, they have probably already realized that a baseline of competence, at least by their standards, is effectively nonexistent on Earth (and potentially a lot of other small and/or less well-developed polities as well).

Edit 4: Less ‘legally permitted to do’ and more ‘do precisely what we said we would do if an act of war is committed against us’, insofar as to not do so would be to demonstrate inconstancy in their treatment of those who target them. The Iltines or the Galians, I suspect, would receive no such leniency in an equivalent situation.

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Great. How? Because it’s one thing to learn “oh btw there exists technology that can hijack your mind” and another thing entirely to defend against it. And it’s completely unreasonable to expect an entire planet in the developing regions, with a highly balkanized leadership structure, to implant suitable mind-hardware in over 8 billion sophs faster than a bad actor from one of dozens of advanced cultures can deploy it.

Hell, even with a population that was 99% on board, a rapid redeployment of resources, a mobilisation of personal not seen since a World War and the Imperium helping, I’d still expect such a project to take multiple years to carry out.

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In the short term? I would expect whatever first contact expedition is sent to both have the means to screen incoming transmissions for such threats, and the ability to rather quickly detect and tamp down on any outbreaks thereof. It is something that I would expect the first contact expedition to offer right out of the gate as a purely stopgap measure until they can get their own protections up and running, and for an absolute bargain compared to what the value of the services are. Heck, they might even do it for an entirely… fuck, what’s the term? They might do it for a ‘price’ that’s effectively purely symbolic (i.e. $1 USD). I still expect a lot of countries to turn it down for a variety of reasons, some more understandable than others. Combine that with various people who would (intentionally or otherwise) do things to hinder the deployment of such countermeasures, and I suspect that there would end up being more than a few holes in their coverage in spite of their best efforts.

For more permanent protections, I would still expect either the first contact expedition or the Empire proper to ensure that the necessary tools and equipment and expertise are available to the countries of Earth, at least of those which humanity themselves cannot manufacture yet. They might even provide some incentives for them to start building up said protections, whether monetary or otherwise. However, even of the countries that do avail themselves of the technology available, I expect that the implementation of it would still leave much to be desired. Delays and cost overruns, but also graft, embezzlement, and other forms of corruption.

Somewhere along that timeline, I suspect, any hope that the people of Earth would (in more than a few exceptional cases) be even ‘decent enough folks’ would die an ignoble death. While that would not affect, in all likelihood, their assistance with building up said protections, I do think that it would affect how sympathetic they are to their plight if/when someone manages to hit them with a Basilisk.

TL;DR: “We told them, in no uncertain terms, about the nature and the magnitude of the threat at hand. We supplied them with the tools and expertise required to protect themselves from said threat. They then proceeded to decide that they would rather focus on grifting and oppressing each other. Now, guess what happened next. Take a wild. Fucking. Guess. Unfortunately, after we drag them out of the shitshow that they got themselves into, they will have learned all the wrong lessons from it; to wit, that if they get got by something then the Empire will bail them out. In this specific instance they are, unfortunately, correct, but not for any merit of their own.”

Also, is there a phrase in Eldraeic for “I told you so”?

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@BizarroLand Hey, long time, no see! Good to see you back.

This scenario, I like it. Puerto Rico has an awful lot of potential - they didn’t name it “Rich Port” for nothin’ - handicapped by the Jones Act and other US-fedgov mismanagement, and deserves better.

(And especially with the current regime in place, it’s real easy to imagine someone being made… cranky… enough by them that they’d do it just to see the look on Trump’s face when the island starts overtaking the mainland.)

Oh, I guarantee that the one thing they’re not worrying about is harm coming to wandering citizen-shareholders. If they hear about such an attempt happening, the first question the embassy is going to ask is “Okay, did they target an Impatient (1), an Amused (2), or a Cunning (3)?”

The distinction is approximately this, in the aftermath:

  1. (Which starts and end with an explosive bug-out.) Did they leave a crater, and if so, how big? Okay, get my diplomatic notepaper, and find out how much their insurer wants to sue for.
  2. (Which involves a heavily armed tactical team being chased through the streets by a laughing madman with a sword[1], slicing bullets out of the air.) Make sure you get the video for my collection.
  3. (Which starts with someone playing along so that it can end with a empty detention facility with a large, smoldering hole in the side.) Breathe. Breathe. Cannot call head of state of host nation imbecilic shitweasel, and his little minions too. Breathe.

I should perhaps have noted previously that the traditional way to deal with mass-subjugation of populations using basilisk technology (insofar as that is possible: see prior technical note) is to invoke the Outer Janesk Anti-Enslavement Convention and return anyone trying it back to pre-space primitivity with massive orbital bombardments. Hosti sophi generis, don’ch’know.

It’s a lot easier than trying to persuade the entire galaxy to buy a cheap pair of antibasilisk shades from their local Touch-and-Go.

First offense, and one obviously based in idiocy.

They don’t much care for mercy, but they do believe in clemency, and often even complete asshats deserve a second chance.

Not a third, mind (and the Union and the Theomachy wore out the Imperial clemency a long time ago). But a second.

  1. On his way to the embassy, at least once he gets bored. ↩︎

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(You may note, in re the Outer Janesk Anti-Enslavement Convention, that this is entirely consistent with their general policy that eliminating threat actors is entirely superior to imposing security measures which encumber and inconvenience your own population. Because the former are the ones at fault and therefore who should suffer the penalty.

In their paradigm, for example, if terrorists hijack airliners, they don’t invent the TSA and make air travel bloody miserable for the innocent; they have the IMS turn the terrorists, their associates, their favored hangouts, and anyone inadvisable enough to shelter them into the Emperor’s New Glass-Lined Tennis Court pour decourager les autres.

And thus peace is made. Please respect and enjoy it.)

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The funniest part of this scenario isn’t anything that would happen to Sol directly but rather how it’s viewed by people. Because Puerto Rico declaring independence, then putting the first human on everything sunward of Pluto, then doing a victory lap around the Kuiper Belt, then rapidly outpacing everyone else on the planet in terms of quality of life would lead to a lot of butthurt.

And even more butthurt when that headstart leads to Puerto Ricans being the extrasolar vanguard and thus the ‘face’ of our planet.

Especially given what the counterfactual Bizarro would do with the new opportunities. (Think ‘7’2” anthro tigress built like an NFL linebacker wandering the starlanes in a riced out Hariven getting into Outlaw Star/Del Boy-esque escapades wherever she goes’).

Not directly related, but I think furries alone will cover new yachts for the enterprising sleeve manufacturer’s entire payroll… (I’ve seen some shit)

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In thoughts once again ripped from the news, four words:

“Mutiny as a Service”

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Anyone got some good news to share?

(I ask because good gods, this last week has been depressing. Also, the zeitgeist has tipped so far to the pragmatist-nihilist-tribalist-monkey-worshipper axis that I’m starting to think the quiet part out loud spoken by the Imperials in this thread’s hypothetical is going to be along the lines of “Don’t mind us, we’re just waiting around for you to implode your civilization so we can pick up the free planet.”)

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I wouldn’t think that their first chance would take particularly long to be vitiated, given both current and historical human diplomatic norms if nothing else? Presuming, of course, that the First Contact team very early on lays out a basic set of rules for what is and is not tolerated, whether by the Empire or by the Worlds as a whole. A set of rules which should not be hard for anyone to keep to if they put any significant amount of thought and effort into doing so.

Edit 3: As for the idiocy part… well, you still have to show a willingness to improve in order for that to fly, no? In order to reach excellence, after all, you must be willing to improve; someone else cannot do that for you. Also, re. treating it as a ‘mistake,’ aren’t they pretty big on mens reus as opposed to actus reus?

(I may have also assumed that it would have been whatever diplomatic gunboat or whatever might have been in-system at the time carrying out the chastisement.)

Also, re. the hypothetical Imperials, firstly, what yield of bug-out device are we talking here, and where is it going off? Because that could get messy, and I doubt, “oh, nothing of (actual) value was lost” or, “it improves the local property values” would fly particularly well. Not with the relevant country/countries on Earth… and probably not with the Empire either, TBF, even if some might privately think that.

Edit 2: I am kind of surprised that there wouldn’t be a subset who decides to react to an assault on their person about the same way that some of the less/least friendly sorts of Fae would react to such.

Hmmm… would they (the Imperial) be minded to charge either the US government or the former officers’ next of kin for the slugs/what have you that they expended on the officers in question?

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Does this count? Admittedly it’s in the realm of “fixing a fuckup” but it’s something actively being fixed.

There’s also been some suggestions over the years about domesticating quolls as pets, because they are adorable and could work as a cat-replacement in places where cats are unsuitable. Partially held back by the fact you have to supplement their diet of wet dog/cat food with some whole insects, and by their comparatively short (5-6 years) lifespan.

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Oh, definitely. Fixing things is good counterentropic work!

(Also, so adorbs. Like little rat-cats!)

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Look, I cannot possibly overstate just how difficult, verging on impossible, it would be for the current regime to get the Ministry of State and Outlands to take them seriously.

(Or to care, particularly, and you don’t really want them to start caring to any degree beyond that which the IS-2 manning the Planetary Desk can authorize with their extremely limited authority.)

Partly this is the capabilities gap, but mostly it’s because they look at the current regime and see a man-child and his bunch of incompetent chucklefucks who’ve inexplicably been put in charge of a country, who - if you consider what Imperials consider virtuous or even meritorious - manifest exactly none of it. And while they might intimidate some humans, they come across to them about as threatening as an angry kitten.

So far as our IS-2 is concerned, any and all possible problems they pose can be dealt with by listing them on the Ministry’s extranet site under “Between 60% And 80% A Dick”, and a lieutenant in a frigate tasked with administering light spankings on ambassadorial request, which action might rate a footnote in the summary of the summary of this year’s foreign relations.

They worry about it about as much as the Pentagon worries about the hostility of the North Sentinel Islanders.

Also, in this scenario - and, good grief, I can actually believe they’d be stupid enough not to notice this - they have ignored one of the key aspects of the post-Contact world.

Namely, whoever does manage to make themselves look like a desirable partner to offworld powers earns themselves a very rapid promotion. If (throws dart at map) the Philippines end up impressing the Empire somehow, everyone else on Earth better start learning Tagalog, because the new planetary hegemon operates out of Manila and everyone else better learn to deal.

(In line with previous speculations, the Empire can achieve any living-well-is-the-best-revenge it wants by sitting back and watching as the GPA-DCP ascends to hegemony and Australia/New Zealand become the unchallenged centers of the English-speaking world.

A shame for us, but that’s what we get for descending into Trumpist dogmatic non-cooperation.)

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Hmmm… I still don’t see why they have any reason to tolerate any bullshit or shenaniganry from the governments/people of Earth. Then again, the same could be said for so much as giving them the time of day, or even for giving them any more rope than they need to hang themselves with. That last part being only half a joke, mind. Heck, they could just leave, take all of their stuff with them (unless there are some things which they specifically see fit to leave behind for various reasons), and close the (metaphorical) door behind them, leaving an automated observation post if even that. They can see if anyone else decides to go through via the gateway network , and if they think that said anyone else is up to no good then they can do something about it. If something noteworthy enough to require their attention occurs, great, they can send someone in from wherever, though most likely as a lower priority. There are, after all, so many more deserving people than humans.

Most likely an ecopoesis team to salvage our biosphere when we kill ourselves off, is what I suspect they would expect. Maybe with some disaster aid if they’re feeling particularly merciful (why would they? The humans made an ass of themselves before, and showed no/very limited/insufficient signs of being willing/able to change), but what even would be the point? Even if humans were still in any position to repay the principal of their debts in terms of the costs of disaster aid (let alone any interest which they might accrue on it), they have already shown themselves to be perfectly willing to lie, cheat, and steal from anyone and everyone around them. They would have no reason to expect any good conduct which humans might display in that event to last beyond the point where they are no longer dependent on Imperial Aid to survive. Humanity as a society brings very nearly nothing to the Empire that they could not acquire elsewhere or create themselves, and probably better (Earth as a planet, on the other hand…). Even individual immigrants/refugees, I suspect, would have a hard time making the case that the Empire would be left lesser by their absence.

Edit 1: Hell, how long do you think it would take for them to catch some Earth politician in a lie (say, on live TV)? Or worse still, catch one lying to them. How long until they catch wind of various corporations screwing their employees and each other out of money, or various governments doing the same? Even for First Contact folks, there is only so much that I can anticipate them tolerating, especially after they lay down their expectations on our conduct in such regards.

Edit 2: As for those being rather high standards to hold everyone to: by human standards, perhaps. By Imperial standards, I would expect that to be the bare fucking minimum to even willingly interact with them without their hand being forced by external events.

On a different tangent, I was reminded of the various confiscated religious icons, et. al., that the Empire has a repository of. How large are the largest of those, I wonder, and would they be able to yoink an entire city in such fashion?

Edit 3: I wasn’t particularly even considering them as a whole, so much as the First Contact expedition (along with whoever they bring to establish initial relations with humanity) and any individual Imperials who might show up, realize how backwards and fucked-up the native sophonts are, and fuck right off again.

To be fair, it might not even get to them building an embassy before they are already Done With Our Shit and decide that it is not worth the money or effort spent to establish relations with. At which point they, presumably, just write Earth off as yet another lost cause not worth spending a single estyn(?) on until they at the very least learn to comport themselves as proper gentlebeings. No sense playing chess with a pigeon or mud-wrestling with a pig, or other such comparisons that could be made.

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Okay. At this point I’m

INVOKING THE MODHAMMER

to kill off this part of the thread, because as entertainingly depressing it is to find a bigger misanthrope than me live and in the wild, this is taking us rapidly to HFO. And HFO is a miserable and counterproductive subgenre which I care neither to read nor to write.

No more bashing the shaved apes. Many of them don’t deserve it.

Now, to speak in general terms of the state of the galaxy:

You appear to be under the impression that Earth would be an outlier on the bad side of things. To which I can only point backwards in the blog timeline and say, “Wait, what?”

Leaving aside the usual examples in this area, the League of Meridian once had a politician whose name became synonymous with corruption and blatant vote-selling. The Equality Concord enslave their entire population to the algorithm. The Hope Hegemony are an oligarchy that demotes its less useful citizens all the way to spare parts. The !ax!rel consider every other lifeform in the galaxy, sophonts in particular, to be food. The Holy People of Liir, the Jiral Hoplocracy, the Aklaknak Cluster, the Linobir Disarchy, all these people have shown up on the page and none of them are what you might call bright and shining examples of perfected civilization.

(Earth, as I’ve said before, pretty much falls in the big median of mediocrity on the Lonely Galaxy Factbook - Would You Let Your Genetic Spawn Invite One To Dinner? Scale, with significant variation depending on where exactly you pick. Neither unusually good nor unusually terrible.)

The Empire, of course, is entirely used to this. Being a 12 on the 1-12 scale of civilization by definition…

("Obviously we’re the most civilized people around. That goes without saying: civilization radiates in tiers out from the Dragon Throne. It is known.

Besides, if we ever ran into anyone who could out-civilize us, we’d immediately and quietly adopt their more-civilized practices and feel distinctly embarrassed that we didn’t figure them out first.")

…dealing with anyone foreign always implies dealing with someone less civilized to some extent. One must be tolerant, within reason. Because that’s the civilized thing to do.

Why?

The very young do not always do as they are told. And so many of the civilizations of the galaxy are so very, very young. They need a good example.

And, lest we forget, the Empire is an Empire.

How does the Ecumenical Throne rule? Through influence.

What do you not have when you take your ball and go home? Influence.

If you want to shape the galaxy - and such is, unquestionably, the Pointy-Eared Man’s Burden[1] - you can’t avoid the necessity of interacting with it. Sometimes that means the stick, be it the big stick or the quiet words; sometimes that means the carrot, as in demonstrating the advantages that accrue to people who do business the civilized way; and always that means a few million media streams from Delphys laden with memetic layers subtly preaching Virtue, Civilization, and the Imperial Way, and implying just how much nicer and more prosperous life could be if you were a little bit more like them[2] and a little bit less like you.

And that’s how a better world - and a lot more bits of the map colored gold and red - is made.

It’s just good business.

  1. And the digital entity’s burden, the metal-scaled pseudosaurian’s burden, the squishy tentacle-ball’s burden, the cuddly silicon-soup bag’s burden, the chonky ice-mole’s burden, the… etc. ↩︎

  2. Or, more accurately, if you were more like the better version of you that they can see inside you struggling to get out. ↩︎

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I suppose that the bigger thrust of the issue might also be me badly misjudging how exacting their standards are for even ‘bare minimum to be a decent fucking sophont’ (and where that standard lies compared to all but the greatest paragons (by their standards, not necessarily by ours) among Humanity), let alone any higher levels of regard for or judgment of a soph’s character.

Nnnot really? I was intending to say that the majority of humans likely wouldn’t meet their standards for even ‘halfway-decent sort’, let alone ‘respectable gentlesoph’. Which is not, of course, to say that having high and exacting standards for what is and is not acceptable in the Empire is a bad thing, mind!

For instance, re. The Factbook of who you would allow your offspring to invite to dinner(?), I would be expecting the upper end of that to be decidedly sparser than the lower echelons thereof. Particularly as you get outside the civilized portions of the Worlds.

Of course, there is the argument that youthful folly should be a very limited excuse, if it is one at all, for misbehaving after they have been told- in no uncertain terms!- how they ought to behave. After, even a child within the Empire can generally trivially comprehend and follow far more than the bare minimum for how a sophont ought to act. That is even before they have fully mentally developed, mind!

Furthermore, I wonder as well as how much/how openly they (both in terms of the Empire’s official position, and in terms of the personal positions of various Imperials that we have seen much of) consider the existence of many of the aforementioned polities an affront to How The Galaxy Ought to Be. Whether enacting the required changes upon the universe would be feasible, or even possible, in the here-and-now would… not necessarily be relevant? That is, to their personal views on how the galaxy ought to be, or in an incrementally better world how the Empire would best act to help to bring about a better galaxy.

Which is to say, unless there is something major (and not feasibly surmountable) that impedes their attempts to improve the galaxy, I am not sure what else save for total info-death would stop an Imperial who has committed to making change in the galaxy from doing so. I suspect that, as mentioned… I think regarding Imperial Exclaves? That there are certain things in which even the Empire chooses to bow to pragmatism. Moreover, I am not sure that I am correct in my estimation of just how widespread the dissatisfaction with the way that the galaxy, if not the universe, fundamentally is is among the general Imperial population?

Of course, when it comes to enacting that sort of change, I wouldn’t be surprised to find the first and third(?) aspects coming into conflict. This could be mitigated by use of intermediaries who are less… disgusted by interacting with honorless, treacherous, lying barbarians, choice-thieves and mutual-slavers, and other such reprehensible excuses for sophonts. However, intermediaries cannot always do all that is needed- and in some, perhaps even many, cases asking these intermediaries to interact with such affronts to every upstanding sophont is… well, what is their stance on asking/hiring/paying another sophont to do something that you would be unwilling (not unable, unwilling) to lower yourself to do?

(Now, admittedly their definitions for ‘reprehensible (or miserable, depending on the circumstances) excuses for sophonts’, ‘affront to every upstanding sophont’, and other such groupings of awful people, may be dramatically wider than most humans’ definitions thereof. Does that mean that they ought to lower their standards, though?)

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I give up.

Since I’m obviously not succeeding in communicating my point, here… anyone else want to have a go?

[ETA: Actually, no. We’re not doing HFO here. Doomscrolling is bad enough already.

MODHAMMER it. MODHAMMER it all.]

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On a lighter note, a perfect example of Artifice Armaments, ICC marketing, restyled to fit Earth:

image
image1100×600 290 KB

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I’m not familiar with “HFO”. Is it the opposite of “HFY”?

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Its polar opposite. “Humanity Fuck Off”.

I will note that avoiding falling into either of these genre abominations is part of why I set everything thousands of light-years from Earth in the first place, and that if this thread continues to repeatedly fall down that slope I’m going to have to ban the topic with prejudice again because I get enough doomscrolling from my doomscrolling.

(Or maybe ‘verse Earth suffered a hilarious apocalypse when the Pentagon did exactly what you’re not supposed to with their no-limits AI, and now Earth is basically a Donald Trump-themed version of Vault 108.

“Yuge?”

”Yuge.”

”Yuge!”)

((That was a joke.))