Post-Contact Hilarity

This is a thread for the various hilarious misunderstandings and snarkings that would arise in the non-canonical scenario in which Imperials meet humans.

Note: the hilarious ones, not the ones in which rocks fall and everyone dies.

Here’s a one-liner to start the thread off:

“This product contains no substances known to the State of California.”


The utter destruction of the nursing home and retirement planning industry in it’s current form.

Biological immortality will do that to you. You can go into most nursing homes and in less than a week…all of those people might need personality reconstruction (recovery from dementia), but they’re young and healthy and able…and the lawsuits are going to last for years and years…

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One thing that inspired this is spending some time at a show in which I got to see the Outside People.

Now, you may recall, eldrae don’t tan. Having an immune system that is super-efficient at clearing up radiation damage meant that melanocytes didn’t get stimulated, and ultimately eumelanin ceased to be a thing.

So, for those who just skimmed the essentials from the briefing packet, it may be something of a puzzler why so many humans seem to change race in the bright season.

Or lead to rather inappropriate questions like “So why do your racists all dye themselves darker in the summer?”

And then there are sunburns, which look like the product of mild radiation syndrome or actual, y’know, burns.

“Ah, excuse me, human, but your skin appears to be inflamed, sloughing, and being shed. Do you require medical assistance?”

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I’m imagining anything involving Imperials discovering elf-related R34. Or does that go into the rocks falling category?

Also, the entire speculative crypto market being used to spell “STOP DESTROYING A GOOD THING” with their price graphs on your financial app of choice.

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Come to think of it, I can totally see post-contact Imperials starting an OnlyFans as a way to spread Imperial propaganda I mean marketing

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The swift, violent, and utter demise of dog fighting rings, puppy mills, and other similar organizations.
Most Dar-Bandal would have certain words for such people.
Also, certain bullets.
But I think that this has been covered before, aye?


Embrace the healing power of “and,” along with the idea of becoming awesome space elves so you can be a part of the R34.

I can see no way for this to end in fire, screaming, and the sort of diplomatic incidents which also end in fire and screaming.


No way at all.


David Attenborough being given immortigans (and possibly adopted) very quickly, and proceeding to participate in delighted interviews/explanations of every biological life form the Imperials brought with them

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Think of it as evolution in action.
-Unknown oracular statement, Unknown timestamp, watermark stamp confirmed by (CLASSIFIED).

Special crack fanfic suggestion:

A diplonought appears one day over Fuji-san. Having rediscovered the planet in question after centuries have passed, the Empire’s official representatives have come to deliver thanks and gifts to the people who took such good care of Princess Kaguya.

Hilarity ensues.


“So, daughter of mine, do you want to visit your old home town?”

A group of eldrae settle in rural Ireland. The only significant hiccup is having to emphasise that no, they will NOT be stealing anyone anywhere against their will, and even that is readily solved by a quick explanation of what a Renegade is and why they’re disliked. A few ambitious people are comparing local mythology and Imperial culture to see what other forms of sidhe can be used to dress visitors of different chosen bodyforms.

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“So, what did the new neighbors do last night?”
“Almost drank the pub down.”
“Well, they showed up, and you know what the ASBO-set decided to do. They challenged them to a drinking game. And darts.”
“Oh, shit. How bad was it?”
“Nobody died, nobody got hurt, other than they all needed to have their stomachs pumped. Even the Eldrae needed their stomachs pumped.”
“What? I thought…”
“Turns out that Old Man Doyle screwed on his backup hollow leg and he was still challenging them to drinks before the ambulances hauled them off. Came back that morning to compliment him, you have to give them credit for showing up to applaud.”

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Taken from a memo filed in the cabinet the IF uses for CALYX HOLLOW documentation

Oh I know, now Queen Elizabeth the 2nd can actually be immortal

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Just realised, there’s always a relevant xkcd

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I am shocked at how unpatriotic you are, implying that Her Holy Majesty isn’t already immortal! :grinning:

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Oh god. Oh god oh frick.

The Imperials have UV vision.

Any visit to a random bachelor pad is going to end with uncontrollable retching.

On a less ribald note, anything to do with conventionally low-visibility conditions. Imperials walking around in a pitch black room with no issues, flying straight into fog / clouds with only a VFR certification (or indeed, dragging terrified FAA officials into said clouds to provide evidence for a rule revision), or winning all the blindfolded dart throwing competitions because no one thought to use an IR/UV blocking blindfold.

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“I am only surprised that your right arm isn’t massively over-developed.”
“I’m bisexual-I can and will use either hand.”

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