"AboutâŚI think it was PC+15 or 16, I worked for the summer at the Happiest Place On Earth, aka Walt Disney World. Iâd gone for the whole upload life the year before, and this was the first year Disney had cybershells of their animated characters wandering around the park, with âhuman pilotsâ in them to âmake sure they were safeâ or something like that.
"The job wasnât too bad, in a lot of ways. Not a lot of us that were uploads so we got decent salaries and we worked half-hour before open and a half-hour after close so we got three, four hours of overtime a day, including upload and download time. And making kids happy was always a good thing. Bad things about it? First of all, your audio out of the shell was looped through a Disney-programed muse on a tenth-of-a-second delay which would keep you from saying anything naughtier than âgoshâ or âdarnâ or anything else. You had to be in character the entire time you were in any area that guests could see you, which if you got stuck playing Goofy for a month (like I was), it got wearing very quickly. You couldnât get any external media, data links, or bring anything with you to keep you entertained while you were in the shell. Couldnât even bring music, which sucked. And if there was some kind of emergency, they couldnât contact you directly, they had to call Disney Security and they had to contact you through dispatch. No calling out, either.
"Oh, and the shells recorded everything, so nobody liked you backstage because Disney fired quite a few cast members who wereâŚshall we sayâŚhaving Princess Jasmine Finding Nemo with Ariel. Or bad-mouthed the company or senior staff members.
"But about a month after we started out, somebody figured out that the Disney muse was programmed to track profanity in languages thatâŚwell, actually existed. I mean, you couldnât curse in Japanese or Chinese or Mongolian or French or Spanish or ImperialâŚbut you sure as hell could curse in Klingon. Or use made-up terms and phrases that âeverybody knewâ meant naughty things. It became a game between the shell cast members to figure out how to say the raunchiest things and not have any of the guests know that you were saying naughty things. And you havenât lived until you watched Stich and Donald Duck do the rap battle from 8 Mile with Donald cursing like a character from Farscape and Stich using Belter profanity.
"Then, one day, somebodyâs cousin saw a video of this online, and somebody at Disney started to look into the story. Iâd like to think that people in HR and Legal had a good and proper set of brown trousers at the fact that we were swearing at everyone for at least six months and nobody really noticed or they thought it was hilariousâŚ
"But new rules and new programming for the muses came down the pike and you had to use Disney-approved scripts from there on out. Worse yet, they were already talking about bringing out bioshells and programmed near-AIs to handle all of the character interactions, even ânormalâ human characters.
"(They never did, past the rumors stage. Everything I heard from people that were working there said that Disney might be considered in violation of the 13th Amendment if they had. And it would look bad on the pixie-duster sites.)
âGot a job a few weeks later with Universal, who were a lot looser and we had a lot more funâŚman some of the after-hours eventsâŚâ